About Einsiedeln, the past and the future

So, here I go again.
Back from Einsiedeln and back to life, back to reality - or what ever is left of it. But let´s start at the beginning.
Lisa came to me on thursday evening. We didn´t chat very much and went to bed early. To be honest, I had a strange feeling bout this weekend for a longer time, actually even since Hinterzarten, maybe even before. I wasn´t that much looking forward to it, ´cause I knew it wouldnt be as great as Hiza.
But we went early on friday morning and arrived in the afternoon. The acommodation was a bit spooky, but the host was so nice and the rooms tiny and "urig". Very "Swiss-style"! So after a cup of coffee we went to the hill, to watch the juniors competition. Later, back in our room we watched TV - Couchevel´s comp and went to bed early (I was happy about that, I really didn´t feel well - didn´t the whole weekend).

Saturday morning: Breakfast and after we went to the monastery. In the afternoon to the hill, where it started to rain after a time. My eyes hit a certain person, and my heart broke in two. Don´t even know why, maybe it was the look in his eyes, full of pain, hate and scorn towards me. Or maybe I just imagined to see this?? I don´t know! I just wished I could have cried, but I couldn´t in that situation.......
well, qualifikation was cancelled and cold and soaking wet we went to the tent to have a beer. The funniest part of the weekend followed then:
The two of us roaming around in the service-area! :D checking out which teams left the doors open or the lights on. And some even got some nice messages! ;)

Next day, sunday! Still windy but somehow they managed a quali and one comp round. Although it started to rain again we stalked a bit service thing, when the teams left. Of course my worst enemie was roaming around. I just felt pain, everytime he passed by. If we´d been alone, I´d killed him!!
Somehow I tried to get over the rest of the day, we went to hill later again and took again some fotos of the containers and so on. It was fun, but not as much as I maybe hoped.
And then on monday morning we left again, and I truely was happy to leave!!
I cannot tell exactly why, but I felt uncomfortable the whole weekend and still don´t feel good about it. Again I feel bad about whole skijumping thing, like I did some months ago. I need a brake! I need to get out of this but there´s a part inside of me, which is already making plans for winter and even for K´thal!! One part screams so loud "STOP! TIME OUT! Get outta this crap it makes you sick!" and the other screams "Hey! You had so much fun, you have friends there, you visit places you´ve never seen before! Keep it going!"
So, which one to obey?? I don´t know! :(

I have the feeling, I´m losing it all. Losing my personality. Who am I? Why do people say bad things about me, when I randomly pass by? Why do people interpret the worst into things I say and do? Or is there a glimpse of thruth in it? Maybe this is deep inside of me. Maybe I am facing a side of me, which was buried deep deep inside and comes to the surface right now, and which scares me!
This whole thing was my dream, my only joy! Traveling around, watching the competitions, finding friends in this scene, people who understand me. But all I got was a broken heart, rumours about me and the feeling I am objectionable. And I just don´t know why! I don´t know what I did wrong! My only mistake was, that I was me. Being at the wrong place at the wrong time!!
Now everything is left is a pile of shards! Broken dreams, misunderstandings and a victim - me!
I am not sure if I can take it anymore............

Never forget, I love you all!!
yours, the princess of darkness :-*