Gedöns

Heute mal auf Deutsch, müsst ihr den Google-Translator halt fragen :P

So, ich hab mir Gedanken gemacht, viele Gedanken. Die neuerlichen Ereignisse lassen mich einfach nicht mehr los.
Ich bin einfach nur so wahnsinnig enttäuscht, so enttäuscht, dass all die Arbeit, all die Zeit, Energie und Kraft, mein ganzes Herzblut, dass das anscheinend nichts mehr zählt. Man wird behandelt wie ein Aussätziger. Nur warum? Was hab ich getan? Was hab ich falsch gemacht?
Das ist alles, was ich wissen will. Dann könnte ich es vielleicht verstehen. Aber wahrscheinlich gibt es keinen Grund. Oder zumindest keinen, der wirklich einen Sinn ergebn würde. Ich war loyal, immer! Ich hab Dinge für mich behalten, die ich auch hätte an die Presse verkaufen können. Ich habe nie jemanden belästigt, nie genervt. Gearbeitet wie eine Biene. Aber nichts ist es wert.

Ich hätte wissen müssen, wie falsch diese Leute sind. Ausgenutzt haben sie mich und jetzt ist alles egal. Ich bin egal. Und ich frage mich, wie ich jemals Gefühle haben konnte für ihn. Und ich frage mich, ob all die Worte jemals wahr gewesen sind. Ob er jemals meinte, was er sagte. Was ist denn passiert? Was ist passiert, dass all das nichts mehr gilt, dass all das einfach weg ist.
Es kann doch nicht sein, dass die Märchen eines einzelnen Idioten mehr Gewicht haben als alles, was jemals zwischen uns gesagt und getan worden ist.
Hochgelobt wurde ich, der rote Teppich wäre für mich ausgerollt worden, man hätte mich auf Händen getragen. Doch jetzt wurde ich verstoßen! Rausgeschmissen, als wäre ich wie jede andere, oder gar schlimmer! Aber das schlimmste ist, dass ich sie nicht hassen kann. Dass ich sie trotz allem noch liebe! Ich wurde gedemütigt, und trotzdem komm ich nicht los!
Ich wünschte es wäre wie früher, es wäre wieder so! Ich wünschte ich wäre wieder eure, SEINE Prinzessin! Aber das wird nie wieder so sein. Es ist kaputt und ich weiß nicht, warum...

ABER: ich will nicht traurig sein. Ich weiß, es gibt Menschen, die schätzen meine Arbeit. Und ich weiß, sie glauben mir, sie kennen die Wahrheit! Und ich weiß, sie unterstützen mich!
Und deswegen liebe ich sie! Und vielleicht geschieht bald etwas großes! Wenn das Herz ersteinmal wieder frei ist, dann schwebt es und vielleicht findet es seinen Weg zu jemandem, der besser damit umgeht!

Ich liebe euch alle
PRINCESS :-*

Liberec

Back from Liberec and not happy about.
I have the same feeling as I had after Einsiedeln and I m so happy that there will be no skijumping for some time now.
Well let´s start at the beginning.
On tuesday I went to visit Lisa for the first time. Of course trains were late (as usual) but I am used to it. It was a nice evening and I was so excited and looking forward to the upcoming days.
So on wednesday we started early in the morning our way to Liberec, everything went well until we arrived in town and searched the hostel (the navigator didn´t know the adress and we were cruising around for 2 hours until we finally found it with the help of a nice young couple). We hoped everything would go well, we went downtown to have some dinner and met some teams ("Look how funny, that guy looks like Pekka, and that one like Ville. Oh wait, it IS Ville and this IS Pekka" LOOOOOL) Ignorance ruelz, right?
Next morning we wanted to have some breakfast, but there was none and we had to pay for coffee :(
But we still were optimistic and went downtown again to the "Team-Hotel" to ask for the akkreditations. Guess who we met. Pekka!! (looool) and a minute later Matti! (those smokers again, I still don´t know what his problem is, but it seems he really doesnt like me). Inside the hotel, no akkreditation...
We had some coffee then in Mäcces and went to the hill. Ladys training was over but it was fun mens trainings and quali. we stood there in service right between the team containers and nobody cared at all. (ignorance part 2 lool, damn i must be so important to him...) All in all we´ve been 7 spectators. Everything felt well still and in the evening we went out for a beer.

Next day, still no akkredition (yeah we got the mail on Friday, dammit we didn´t have internet!) but again we went into service as we did the day before. Ladys comp was fun and the girls are so nice!
And for that nobody cared (and we also were there during quali) we just stayed in service while the men-teams arrived. there was only one problem: Some certain person (who wasn´t there in thursday) saw us standing there and went to the security and told them to kick us out. They did! (Thank you, you dirty bastard! Thanks for destroying everything I love!!) And because we had no akkreditation we had to go to the grandstand. it was cold, it was stupid, 100 drunken polish guys around, no possiblity to take fotos! It just sucked!
Actually we wanted to party hard in the night be we both were pissed and tired so we didn´t and just had a vodka in our room.
Also I never was more homesick then those days. It was just shitty crap. And I really feel so much hurt!
We went home then (not to klingenthal) and shared a part of the way with slowenian team. Until they got into a police controll! LOOOL Fasten your seatbelt! hehe

Well that was it so far.... No more skijumping until GAP!! Enough stalked! Let the rumours fly, I fly as well! :P

Next week university starts again and my life will go it´s ordinary way with my true fans who appreciate me and the things I do for them! they are grateful at least and I love them!

So that´s it
hugs and kisses

the princess

On the road again

So, here we go.
I´m at home and packing my stuff. Tomorrow I´ll be on the road again. First I´m gonna visit Lisa and on wednesday we´ll be leaving towards Liberec.
It´s a funny feeling after all. After those weeks of Hiza and Einsiedeln I got sick and tired of skijumping world and I really wanted to quit travelling around and spent all my money for this. But now I found a good reason to carry on.
There is someone who showed me, it´s worth it. Someone who gives me such a wonderful feeling whenever I read his words! And I am grateful for that...
But I also need a time out from this world here (funny huh?)
So, week of skijumping life before I have to get back to everday life with university stuff and stress!

I wish you all some nice days all the best

Statements

I guess it´s time to write a new blog.

The last weeks I´ve been spending in thinking about me, my environment, friends, family, my future.
I can say, that I still cannot say anything. I still haven´t made up my mind about certain things, but nervertheless I want to comment some things that came up and happened lately:

• First of all I have to say SORRY! In the last weeks I have been quite myself. And I know, that I have written and said some things that might have been offending. I really never meant to. I just forget to think before acting, which is a stupid thing, and I often realized what I did when it was too late!
• I also want to say SORRY to those who needed me, but couldn´t count on me. I really feel bad, that I wasn´t there for you. I had some emotional struggles (and still have, but it´s okay at the moment). I want you to know, that in the future I´ll stand at your side and that you always can come to me, when you need a shoulder to cry on.
• The next thing I want to say is: I am NOT going to quit my studies!! I guess I know, where this rumour came from. I said something that could be interpreted like that. But, the truth is, I won´t. Of course it´s hard sometimes, and stressy but I´ll make it! Sure, I have dreams that compete with my studies but don´t worry, they are only dreams, not more.

As you might have noticed, I didn´t say anything about the rumours connected to skijumping world. Why? Because I won´t comment on that topic anymore. Believe what you want to believe, the only thing I say is: Nothing of that shit is right!

So, that´s it so far.

Luv you my sweethearts

yours
the princess!

About Einsiedeln, the past and the future

So, here I go again.
Back from Einsiedeln and back to life, back to reality - or what ever is left of it. But let´s start at the beginning.
Lisa came to me on thursday evening. We didn´t chat very much and went to bed early. To be honest, I had a strange feeling bout this weekend for a longer time, actually even since Hinterzarten, maybe even before. I wasn´t that much looking forward to it, ´cause I knew it wouldnt be as great as Hiza.
But we went early on friday morning and arrived in the afternoon. The acommodation was a bit spooky, but the host was so nice and the rooms tiny and "urig". Very "Swiss-style"! So after a cup of coffee we went to the hill, to watch the juniors competition. Later, back in our room we watched TV - Couchevel´s comp and went to bed early (I was happy about that, I really didn´t feel well - didn´t the whole weekend).

Saturday morning: Breakfast and after we went to the monastery. In the afternoon to the hill, where it started to rain after a time. My eyes hit a certain person, and my heart broke in two. Don´t even know why, maybe it was the look in his eyes, full of pain, hate and scorn towards me. Or maybe I just imagined to see this?? I don´t know! I just wished I could have cried, but I couldn´t in that situation.......
well, qualifikation was cancelled and cold and soaking wet we went to the tent to have a beer. The funniest part of the weekend followed then:
The two of us roaming around in the service-area! :D checking out which teams left the doors open or the lights on. And some even got some nice messages! ;)

Next day, sunday! Still windy but somehow they managed a quali and one comp round. Although it started to rain again we stalked a bit service thing, when the teams left. Of course my worst enemie was roaming around. I just felt pain, everytime he passed by. If we´d been alone, I´d killed him!!
Somehow I tried to get over the rest of the day, we went to hill later again and took again some fotos of the containers and so on. It was fun, but not as much as I maybe hoped.
And then on monday morning we left again, and I truely was happy to leave!!
I cannot tell exactly why, but I felt uncomfortable the whole weekend and still don´t feel good about it. Again I feel bad about whole skijumping thing, like I did some months ago. I need a brake! I need to get out of this but there´s a part inside of me, which is already making plans for winter and even for K´thal!! One part screams so loud "STOP! TIME OUT! Get outta this crap it makes you sick!" and the other screams "Hey! You had so much fun, you have friends there, you visit places you´ve never seen before! Keep it going!"
So, which one to obey?? I don´t know! :(

I have the feeling, I´m losing it all. Losing my personality. Who am I? Why do people say bad things about me, when I randomly pass by? Why do people interpret the worst into things I say and do? Or is there a glimpse of thruth in it? Maybe this is deep inside of me. Maybe I am facing a side of me, which was buried deep deep inside and comes to the surface right now, and which scares me!
This whole thing was my dream, my only joy! Traveling around, watching the competitions, finding friends in this scene, people who understand me. But all I got was a broken heart, rumours about me and the feeling I am objectionable. And I just don´t know why! I don´t know what I did wrong! My only mistake was, that I was me. Being at the wrong place at the wrong time!!
Now everything is left is a pile of shards! Broken dreams, misunderstandings and a victim - me!
I am not sure if I can take it anymore............

Never forget, I love you all!!
yours, the princess of darkness :-*

Hiza 2010

Hello my dearest sweethearts!

I am back home from Hiza! It was such a great weekend, even better than I expected! Our room was 3 minutes away from the hill and it was just as luxourious as a princess needs it. We had a dishwashing machine, a pool, a sauna and a "FKK-Area" :D Unfortunately the weekend started with heavy rain on thursday. We watched the soccer match (wich was even worse than the years before) and ended the evening home with vodka-Lausemaus and Vodka-Lemon-Tea! :P
The next day (friday), we slept in, went to the hill in the afternoon and enjoyed the wonderful weather!! After more vodka and rum we went to have some party, but the music was lame, so we went to bed early (at about 2).
So on saturday we were fresh enough to get up “early” and watch the Kiddies-Competition! So cute!!!! Team-Comp sucked (because of a certain old man, of course) but I finally met Kerstin and my beloved Verena! Both of them are great!! We had a good time at the hill, in the appartment and in the tent (the band was awsome!!!)
Last day, sunday, and fucking pouring rain! No chance to have fun at the hill, but, wonder, it was a grear comp, with a gread result! Kalle was 3rd, no austrian won, Janne was out and Vladi on 17!!! And during winners-ceremony the sun came out and dried the world. After dinner and drinking we went to Franco.
More alk, more girls, russians with cookie-monster-shirt and drunken Morgi who abused my little Juska!!!!! Nevertheless we had a short chat about finnland, icehockey and Kärnten! ;)
On Monday-morning we left after about 4 hours of sleeing.

The thing I was afraid would happen, didn´t happen at all, nothing ever happened!

It was such a great weekend and I miss my girls already! Need to see you again soon! :-* Love you!!!!!!!!!!

On Friday morning, Lisa and I will be on the road again, destination Einsiedeln!


Hugs and kisses,
your princess!!

Pitkä kuuma kesä

Hello my dear sweethearts,

I am sorry for not posting for a long time, but I had a really hard time in university and worked quite much. But it was successful and the exam which I was really afraid of, is finnally passed. Now I can enjoy holidays - almost. 3 long days are still ahead and now, that I have some spare time, it seems that summer is over. How ironic! Grey skies, rain and cold while I actually wanted to enjoy summer.
Nevertheless I am plannig my holidays and first part is already fixed:
Next week I´ll meet Angy and then we´ll head off to Hinterzarten!! It will be a great party, because I´ll meet all my girls there and also some I never met in real life before. I am quite excited and also a bit nervous bout that. (And everyone of my close friends nows why I also am nervous and afraid...)

After Hiza, I´ll stay home a few days and get some things done I didn´t have time for during semester, and leave again the following weekend with destination Einsiedeln!
Will be my first time in Switzerland (I was there once before but only for a day then). I am really looking forward to it, cause this will be some real holidays, relaxing and so on! Only me an Lisa! (And no stalkers or kreischies or stupid girlies who talk shit about me!)

What´s getting on after that I cannot say yet. I guess I´ll visit Lisa and maybe even Verena. If money comes in, I maybe go to finnland in september.
There are also some plans of going east ;) but nothing fixed yet and still only ideas in my mind.

So, I wish you all a wonderful summer, nice holidays and see you in Hiza! :-*

yours, the princess

home

Hei folks,
I just came home from a spontanous short-trip to Slovenia. It was awsome. The weather was so nice, sun all day and not too warm. I´ve been to Kranj and Planica. The flying hill is amazing and my respect for these guys grew more and more. I hope I will come back to that place soon (maybe in march?).
The next day we went to the seaside and it was the very first time in my life that I put my feet into the mediterranean sea. It was still a bit cold but it felt so nice. Just sitting there in the sun and listening to the sea. Doctors should prescribe that as medicine!! Unfortunately I got my head sunburned and brushing my hair hurts like hell! :( But it´s okay, I´ll get over it.

In the evenings we went downtown Ljubiljana. The city is wonderful. It is a bit like Rome (should be). People sit in bars and cafés outside even in the late evening. The river and the old buildings create an romantic atmosphere. The whole city has some mediterranean flair. I felt so familiar and cosy there, I didn´t wanna leave.
But duties here at home call me and so I sit again at my desk and working for university. Who said that a student´s life is sweet?? But I feel well and I know I can make it. I got my power back and I have a motivation. If I get my studies done, then I will have a wonderful job, earn money and can go traveling even more often! (Thank god, a teacher has a lot of holidays :P)

So I go on working now. Maybe a report will come soon, I cannot promise, but I try to write one.

I love you all
hugs and kisses

Princess U.

Werbung

Wollte nur mal eben Werbung machen für ein Forum, dass ein Freund von mir ins Leben gerufen hat.
Dort werden die gängigsten Verschwörungstheorien und Mythen gesammelt. Es darf aber auch gerne selber "Verschwört" werden.
Gerade für Anfänger in der szene eignet sich das Forum, weil dort eben noch alles ganz frisch ist und eigene Gedanken nicht untergehen etc.

Würde mich sehr freuen, wenn ihr mal vorbeischaut:

http://verschwoerung.plusboard.de/

to Nicole

Ein Jahr.

Vor einem Jahr hat alles angefangen, der Anfang vom Ende. Dein Geburtstag. Und ich war nicht da. Der Punkt, an dem zum ersten Mal mir etwas wichtiger war als du. The Kroisos. Und alles damit zu tun. Aber kannst du mir einen Vorwurf machen? Ich hatte es dir gesagt, Monate vorher. Ich hatte dich gefragt, dich eingeladen. "Lass uns zusammen da feiern!" Ich wollte dich teilhaben lassen an meinem neuen Leben. Aber du wolltest nicht. Du hast nicht verstanden. Mir hätte klar sein müssen, dass das bereits der Anfang vom Ende war, aber ich habe es versucht noch so viele Monate lang. Am schlimmsten war es, dass du so getan hast, als wäre es dir egal. Vielleicht hättest du einfach mal rumzicken sollen. Das hätte es bestimmt gelöst.
Es ist ein komisches Gefühl, auf einmal bist du nicht mehr da. Über 10 Jahre hat unsere Freundschaft gedauert, das wirft man nicht einfach so weg, ich weiß. Und ich bin dir dankbar für alles. Du warst immer für mich da und ich für dich. Wir haben alles gemeinsam gemacht. Wir haben gleich gedacht, gleich geliebt und gleich gehasst. Aber das existiert nicht mehr.
Es war nicht der 2. Mai 2009 der mich zu einem anderen Menschen machte (das passierte schon viel früher), aber ich denke, dass war der Tag an dem es mir bewusst wurde.
Die Wochen, die auf diesen Tag folgten, die kann ich nicht beschreiben, aber sie gehörten zu den schlimmsten meines Lebens. Ich wollte später mit dir darüber reden, aber wieder hast du es nicht verstanden. Alles worüber wir reden konnten, war die Vergangenheit. Das was gerade passierte, die Gegenwart, das war kein Thema mehr für uns.
Ich frage mich, ob du es denn selber gemerkt hast, dass wir nicht mehr reden können?
Nein, es ist gut so. Es musste so sein. Ich kann mich nicht mehr quälen mit dir, mit uns. Vielleicht, eines Tages geht es wieder. Aber so lange du mich nicht verstehen kannst, du mich nicht akzeptierst, als das, was ich bin, so lange geht es einfach nicht mehr.
Glaube mir, auch ich habe geweint, viele Nächte deswegen!Ich wollte dir nie weh tun und es tut mir wirklich Leid. Aber das musste so sein.

Ich werde uns nie vergessen!

No happy ending

What a day!
Have you ever noticed: There are days you just dislike. When you wake up in the morning and you know, something bad will happen. And then, it happens!
Today was one of those days. I woke up and felt horrible. Everything annoyed me, nothing worked, just a crappy day. Even the night was a mess! I couldn´t sleep well and had strange dreams.
Then, in the evening, terrible news reached me. I broke in tears, felt smashed on the ground. My worst enemy will be back!!
Some weeks ago it looked like I would never see him again. I was the happiest girl around and hoped, that finally everything would come to an happy ending.
But I forgot, that I am the princess of darkness and that my life is a bad fairytale. The enemy is back. Ready to fight against me. And now he is not working for the enemy-kingdom, he will work together with my love. The place at the end of the rainbow, the land of milk and honey.
How shall I now fight against him??
It also seems as many of my warriors have left me and went over to fight at his side. Or at least they decided to fight NOT against him.

So again I am left alone!

I hope that at least some of my Ladies stay beside me!

Zukunft?

Und wieder, sie verstehen mich nicht! Niemand versteht mich! Ich versuche es zu erklären, das sind ernsthafte Probleme, jedenfalls für mich. Aber niemand nimmt es ernst. Leere Phrasen, die billigen Ratschläge, ich kann sie alle längst auswendig. Sie scheinen es zu sein, passend auf die Situation, aber das tun sie eben nicht!
Wie soll ich kämpfen, wenn ich längst keine Kraft mehr hab? Und wozu soll ich kämpfen. Was sagen sie immer: “Denk an das was kommt! Denk an die Arbeit, die mal machen kannst! Es ist doch dein Traumjob!!” Aber wie denn? Wie soll ich an etwas denken, was in so weiter Zukunft liegt, wenn doch die nahe Zukunft schon nicht existiert? Wie kann ich denn auf etwas hinarbeiten, was frühestens in 5 Jahren passiert, wenn ich schon an etwas scheitere, was nächste Woche auf mich wartet? Wie denn??
“Das haben doch schon ganz andere geschafft!” Was soll das heißen? Ein Satz der so unglaublich leer ist! Was soll dieser Satz aussagen? Das habe ich noch nie verstanden. Eben genau das ist ja das Problem. Klar schaffen andere das, und das weiß ich ja wohl auch. Aber ich halt eben nicht. Und, um das mal von der anderen Seite zu betrachten: Wie viele haben das eben nicht geschafft? Warum sollte gerade ich zu der kleinen auserwählten Gruppe gehören, die es schaffen? Ich habe noch nie in irgendetwas zu einer auserwählten Gruppe gehört, ich war nicht mal durchschnittlich. In allem war ich immer, unterdurchschnittlich. Wie konnte ich mir nur einbilden, dass ich das also schaffen könnte? Ich habe nicht mal im geringsten die Voraussetzungen dafür!!
Ich erwische mich selber dabei, wie ich die Zukunft plane. Aber dabei verlieren ich die Gegenwart aus den Augen.
Ich versuche nach den Sternen zu greifen, aber ich bin dabei zu hoch geflogen. Ich bin nicht dazu bestimmt! Das ist einfach nicht das, was ich tun sollte.

end of holidays

Hello my sweethearts,

so easter is over and I hope you all survived it. ;)
For me it was some kind of relaxing. Lots of chocolate, familiy and a few days off without studying. Now the holidays are coming to there end and work is getting more. I still have to write my report about the job training (12 pages till next monday, we´ll see). And semester starts on monday. The semester where my whole future will be decided. 2 exams are coming up which I really HAVE TO pass, if I fail, I have to quit my whole studies. So you can guess, I really am afraid. I don´t know what to if I should fail. There is no real plan B. Well, maybe I could start new studies: skandinavistics and fenistics in Cologne. But I´m not sure about that. Finally I got used to the thought in becoming a teacher and it somehow is my "dreamjob" (for I will never be an actress at last). That means for me, I really have to work hard the next months and give all the power I have only for my studies. Studies have very first priority, in my thoughts, my concentration, my power, my energy, my time. Some mistakes in the past showed me, that I need to invest in "projects" that really have a future and not give everything to a dream which bursts like a bubble.

Well, on Tuesday there will be a photoshoot and thank god I don´t have to be in university, so I can take part in it. I´m excited how the pics will be! :D

Another few things are planned, but as long as nothing is confirmed, I won´t tell.

But I will keep you updated as soon as something´s happening.

Hugs and kisses

yours
Ulla I.

Happy Easter

Happy Easter to all of you!

Why I am who I am

So this is the very first (real) entry.
I started with this blog to keep my connection to you. I used to write on myspace but I cannot really stay there for several reasons.
I try to see life much more brighter now, though it´ll be very hard. But steps have to be taken and decisions have to be made!

to stay in touch, come here ;)

Hugs and kisses

Princess Ulla the first

Welcome to my kingdom!